Blog of the Rach

The Husband Store

2008-02-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

Wow... ok so very very long time since my last post. Little update for those of you I don't talk to on a regular basis

1. I got a new job!!! I work for the State Department of Child Services as an Ongoing Case Manager in the Sex Abuse unit. The cases are difficult and I haven't been doing it very long, but I love my job and the fact that I am actually helping kids and making a difference in people's lives.

2. I'm not engaged.... sigh... everyone seems to be getting engaged and it's driving me nuts, but I am still dating Randy who is the sweetest most wonderful guy ever. We never fight which is a foriegn concept to me when it comes to relationships, and he actually gets me. I've never been happier. Seriously, he is my best friend and I love him so much :-). Haha I know the mushy stuff if making you all sick.

3. My very good friend Jeff who I dated for 3.5 years during college (and my first love) passed away a little over 3 months ago... it was unexpected and very sad. He was a great person and such a wonderful friend. I miss him dearly just as many others who were blessed to have had him as a friend or part of their life. He lives on in our memories and when something reminds me of him instead of being sad it makes me smile because its like in a way he's here.

4. I came out of the republican closet after the only liberal I could consider voting for aka Joe Biden dropped out of the Race. Actually there's more to it than that. I've supported the democratic party since I've been old enough to comprehend politics even when I didn't agree with their stance on abortion which is a huge issue for me. Then I worked for a year in the Welfare Office began to understand the value of welfare reform and other issues that made me feel like conservatives were heartless etc etc... I'm not going to bore you with the details. Basically, I was able to see the true complexity of certain issues and really began to understand the other side of the issues and why some things such as Welfare reform is necessary and why a National Health Care Plan is a really bad idea.

Also to be honest, I got sick of listening to liberals bitch about how we need to change the country and then not doing anything beyond complaining.

5. I am still the Cat Lady because I still have three cats and occasionally feed the homeless ones that lurk around my back porch. Oh and did I mention that the homeless kitties all have nicknames. Sam, Max, Bob... haha. Poor baby kitties!!!

That's my Update... now on to the Husband Store.

<3>

WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE:

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch...you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

An update because I know I should...lol

2007-07-03T13:27:00.000-04:00

Hello... long time no post I know, but I can't help it my oh so fabulous life as a caseworker has been uber busy and exciting... seriously it has... :-)

Ok so quick rundown of what's new with me for your inquiring minds that are dying to know.... hehe

1. My new offical title is the Wellfare Fairy or the Wellfare Nazi depending on which of my clients you ask. It doesn't quick have the same ring to it the Xanax Fairy did... but when I am finally a Clinical Psychologist I think I'll reclaim that title.

2. Though it's incredibly stressful and there are days I come home ranting
I LOVE LOVE my job because I really feel like I make a difference in people's lives and enjoy helping those who need it even if it means occasionally dealing with difficult clients who think they can intimidate you into giving them free medical insurance and food stamps.

3. Though rumor has it that I have a pride of cat's residing at my lovely wonderful apartment that is beautifully decorated in Antiques the truth is that I only have 3 cats not 10. They're names are Prancer, Caspian, and Starfire (Note :I didn't name them) and I enjoy having them around 95% of the time.

4. I have been dating the most wonderful guy ever for a little over a month and it is absolutely wonderful. He is an absolutely adorable History Teacher at Pike High School, he coaches JV Football, and though he sometimes can have conservative tendencies (Regan is one of his heroes...lol) I am absolutely crazy about him.

5. My new pretty car Sally the Saturn is still alive so there's no need to keep making bets on when it will be totalled next. Please for the sake of Sally's faith in my driving... keep those bets to yourself... I HEART Sally!

6. Wicked is the best book and musical ever.... download the soundtrack and go out a read the book... you'll love it.

7. My brother Danny is currently in jail. I am not going to publicly discuss why but I ask that you keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

8. My brother Matt is offically a member of the US National Guard and headed to Boot Camp in August. Note due to his AOL President Incident several years back he couldn't get security clearance to do certain jobs...lol I had to mention that because it made me laugh.

9. Dan Gibas... whereever you are whatever you are doing... if you happen to come across this and read it... get off your butt and CALL ME!!! Did you get that DAN CALL RACH... it's been way too long!

10. Visit my friend Jeff's Link to his webpage posted on this site and read his most recent post at www.caringbridge.org/il/jeffreyharrison. Then take his advice and see Sicko. It's amazing! PS Jeff it's good to hear that you are doing well that makes me happy :-)

So that's my update for now... I can promise when I'll update next so for those of you who wanna keep up with me regularly don't hesitate to drop me an e-mail or give me a call cause chances are if it's been awhile I miss hearing from you :-)

"No good deed goes unpunished
no act of charity goes unresented
no good deed goes unpunished
that's my new creed my road of good intentions lead
where such roads always lead
no good deed goes unpunished"
No Good Deed~ Wicked

Content to be a Cat Lady..

2007-04-14T22:31:00.000-04:00

So Jess and I were talking about life and how everyone seems to be having kids and getting married and we decided that we're content to be Cat Ladies...
HAHA Enjoy!

Igoeatworms1982: so I think I'm content to be a cat lady
Igoeatworms1982: for now
FreudianTrip01: ditto
Igoeatworms1982: my kitties are enough trouble
FreudianTrip01: I should think so
FreudianTrip01: all ten of them
Igoeatworms1982: I don't have ten... only three and they are so much better than men and babies
Igoeatworms1982: and marriage
FreudianTrip01: babies smell
FreudianTrip01: and I don't think i'd be a pretty pregnant lady
Igoeatworms1982: I think I'd be a scary pregnant lady
Igoeatworms1982: one of those that cries too much
FreudianTrip01: I think so too
Igoeatworms1982: or has the crazy cravings and mood swings
FreudianTrip01: alright, I've got to be back at work in the morning, and need to pick up a bit
FreudianTrip01: no more thinking about babies
FreudianTrip01: or husbands
FreudianTrip01: okay?
Igoeatworms1982: deal

Long time gone..

2007-03-27T19:46:00.000-04:00

Hello all. A lot has happened since my last post... soo much that I'm not going to sit here and write you all a book about it. I am doing really well and am very content with life as it is. If you want to know more details... drop me an e-mail or give me a call. Infact, I demand that of you. Today I had the pleasure of connecting with an old and dear friend of mine and it was great just catching up. So, those of you I've not spoken to in awhile... old college roomies... friends from way back when... old lab partners... internship buddies... friends made through friends etc.-- let's get in touch... it'll be great.

I'll leave you with this thought : "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."- Anais Nin

Catch ya later ,
<3> Rach

It's been a long time comin'
It's goin' to be a Long Time Gone.
And it appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long
Time, yes, a long, long, long ,long time before the dawn.

Turn, turn any corner.
Hear, you must hear what the people say.
You know there's something that's goin' on around here,
The surely, surely, surely won't stand the light of day.
And it appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long
Time, yes, a long, long, long ,long time before the dawn.

Speak out, you got to speak out against the madness,
You got to speak your mind,
If you dare.
But don't no don't now try to get yourself electedI
f you do you had better cut your hair.
`Cause it appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Time, such a long long long long time before the dawn

.It's been a long time comin
'It's goin' to be a long time gone.B
ut you know,
The darkest hour is always
Always just before the dawn.
And it appears to be a long, appears to be a long,
Appears to be a longTime before the dawn.

~"Long Time Gone" By Crosby Stills and Nash

How to save a life...

2006-11-28T23:42:00.000-05:00

OMG... I killed my car... AGAIN. For the love of God can I go more than a week without some sort of drama... please :""(

Obituaries

Ella Lord the Black Chevy Cavalier January 1, 2002-- November 27, 2006

A tenebrous cloud of sorrow hangs over our heads and heavy on our hearts today, for Ella the Cavalier(My beloved little Car), was assulted by the University Hotel parking garage and was DOA when she reached the Church Brothers Repair shop. Ella the Black sporty beauty was born in the minds of the Chevrolet Executives in 2001 and hit the Car Market sometime in early 2002. Ella lived a short but wonderful adventurous life of 4.5 years and only racked up 55,000 miles during her time on the road. For 1.5 of those glorious years of her life Ella was a company car. During the final 3 years of her life, Ella took a ride on the wild side, and traveled with college-aged girls and guys on journeys spanning from "Terrible Haute" Indiana, to the many State Parks around Indiana to the lovely Windy City... to the ghetto of Cincinnati while on the way to Kings Island. In the wake of this tragedy we must remember all the good times and memories we shared with Ella. She is survived by her mother Rachael A. Lord and her sisters Bridget the Taurus and Cole the Colbalt. A Private memorial service will be held for her on Friday December 1, 2006 in Plainfield Indiana at the Church of Rach's Bar of Choice for girls night to celebrate the life of Ella. In lieu of used car parts, new car offers, and pity the family requests that donations should be made to the Chevrolet dealership of your choice in honor of Ella.

That's the insanity that is my life for now... if you think I'm losing my mind at the moment more than usual... blame it on the concussion!

Best Wishes
<3> Rach

PS. Stay tuned for crash pictures to see how bad my poor baby car is

How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong,
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
~The Fray

You can fool some of the people some of the time...

2006-11-08T20:46:00.000-05:00

In light of the Mid-term election results a friend of mine said something today that I feel rings true , so I will share it with you all:

"You can fool some of the people some of time, but after six years of lies we've had enough of the inept corrupt republican party. Consider this our collective middle finger raised to the disaster that republican control has caused to our country and our world."
~J. Harrison

I don't have a whole lot to say, other than that I am estatic that the democrats regained power in the house of representatives. Learning this morning that Rumsfeld is stepping down just made the new all the better. It's officially the beginning of the end of the rain of extremist conservative terror this nation has been under ever since the election of George W. Bush!
We have reclaimed the House of Reps... our next goal is to take over the Whitehouse in 2008!!!

As for an update on how I'm doing I had a wonderful date with the greatest guy ever this past weekend. Unfortunately I'm having a week of the longest bout of insanity yet... two exams..a family emergency with my brother Matt (its very bad... ask me if you want to know about it).... worst fight with a friend ever... etc. Suffice to say at the moment I'm very upset and kind of a mess.

My inner dialogue for this afternoon:
Thinking Quietly to Myself: "Oh God... it's finally happened... I think I'm having a nervous breakdown"

My internal voice:(sarcastically) "ya think? What was your first clue?"

A little while later after figuring out where to go I ended up having a mild panic attack and managed to hide away and relax laying underneath a desk cubbie hole in a secluded corner of the Indiana University Purdue University Library because I was dizzy, sweating feeling short of breath and about to vomit.... OY!

The next thought that crossed my mind was:
"I think I've officially hit a new level of insanity... I'm in a public library laying on the floor under a desk due to anxiety... this= BAD... VERY VERY BAD!!!!"

That's my post for today!!! Oh yeah WOO HOO !!! DEMS HAVE THE HOUSE... OMG... WOO HOO!!!

Best Wishes Always
~<3> Rach :-/

It sucks to be me...

2006-11-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

So I'm not quite sure what it is... maybe its the cold weather... but for whatever reason I'm feeling majorly down, depressed, lonely, and like nobody cares about me. A friend of mine said that this is a normal part of being an adult. I suppose it could be, but if this is a normal part of life I'm not so sure I particularly like it. I don't think feeling like you are being held hostage in your own life is normal. In fact if this is how my life is going to be you might as well just shoot me now so I can be put out of my own misery as soon as possible. I don't mean to be so mellow dramatic, but DAMN this has been one shitty week.

I miss being happy, smiling on regular basis, laughing... I miss feeling like I had a future and was going somewhere in life. I'd love to not have trouble sleeping at night... to not on daily basis have to block out certain memories of places and people I once knew and loved. I hate feeling like I fucked up everything good I ever had in my life and losing everyone I really care about. Or worse yet realizing that I've wasted so much time. Anyways ... whatever... I don't know what to do. I probably shouldn't complain because it could be much much worse... so I'll just shut up now. I'm sure things will get better and I'll figure it out at some point. For now though... more Prozac for me pleez! Later
~Rach :"(

KATE MONSTER: Morning, Brian!

BRIAN:Hi, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER: How's life?

BRIAN: Disappointing!

KATE MONSTER:What's the matter?

BRIAN: The caterine companylaid me off.

KATE MONSTER: Oh, I'm sorry!

BRIAN: Me too! I mean, look at me!I'm ten years out of college, and Ialways thought -

KATE MONSTER: What?

BRIAN: No, it sounds stupid.

KATE MONSTER: Aww, come on!

BRIAN: When I was little I thought I would be...

KATE MONSTER:What?

BRIAN: A big comedianon late night TV. But now I'm thirty-two And as you can see I'm not

KATE MONSTER:Nope!

BRIAN:Oh Well,It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER:Nooo.

BRIAN:It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER:No!

BRIAN: It sucks to be brokeand unemployedand turning thirty-three. It sucks to be me.

KATE MONSTER:Oh, you think your life sucks?

BRIAN:I think so.

KATE MONSTER: Your problems aren't so bad! I'm kinda pretty. And pretty damn smart.

BRIAN:You are.

KATE MONSTER:Thanks!I like romantic things Like music and art.And as you know I have a gigantic heart So why don't I have A boyfriend? Fuck! It sucks to be me!

BRIAN:Me too.

KATE MONSTER:It sucks to be me.

BRIAN: It sucks to be me. It sucks to be Brian...

KATE MONSTER: And Kate...

BRIAN: To not have a job!

KATE MONSTER: To not have a date!

BOTH:It sucks to be me.

BRIAN: Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?

ROD:Ah, certainly.

KATE MONSTER:Whose life sucks more?Brian's or mine?

NICKY AND ROD: Ours!

ROD: We live together.

NICKY:We're as close As people can get.

ROD: We've been the best of buddies...

NICKY: Ever since the Day we met.

ROD: So he knows lots Of ways to make me Really upset.Oh, every day is An aggravation.

NICKY: Come on, that'san exaggeration!

ROD: You leave yourclothes out.You put your feet On my chair.

NICKY: Oh yeah?You do such anal Things like ironing Your underwear.

ROD: You make that very Small apartment We share a hell.

NICKY: So do you,That's why I'm in hell too!

ROD: It sucks to be me!

NICKY:No, it sucks to be me!

KATE MONSTER: It sucks to be me!

BRIAN: It sucks to be me!

ALL: Is there anybody hereIt doesn't suck to be?It sucks to be me!

CHRISTMAS EVE: Why you all so happy?

NICKY:Becuase our lives suck!

CHRISTMAS EVE: Your lives suck?I hearing you correctly? Ha!I coming to this country For opportunities.Tried to work inKorean deli But I am Japanese.But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees In social work! And now I a therapist! But I have no clients And I have anUnemployed fiance'! And we have lots Of bills to pay! It suck to be me! It suck to be me! I say itSucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Suck!It suck to be me!

PRINCETON:Excuse me?

BRIAN:Hey there.

PRINCETON: Sorry to bother you, but I'mlooking for a place to live.

CHRISTMAS EVE: Why you looking allthe way out here?

PRINCETON: Well, I started at Avenue A,but so far everything is outof my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign!

BRIAN: You need to talk tothe superintendent.Let me get him.

PRINCETON: Great, thanks!

BRIAN: Yo, Gary!GARY COLEMAN I'm comin'! I'm comin'!

PRINCETON: Oh my God!It's Gary Coleman!

GARY COLEMAN: Yes I am! I'm Gary Coleman From TV'sDiff'rent Strokes I made a lotta money That got stolen By my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt Of everyone's jokes,But I'm here -The Superintendent!On Avenue Q -

ALL:It sucks to be you.

KATE MONSTER: You win!

ALL:It sucks to be you.

BRIAN: I feel better now!

GARY COLEMAN: Try having peoplestopping you to ask you"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"It gets old.

ALL: It sucks to be you

~"It sucks to be Me"- Avenue Q

Last Resort- Happy Halloween!!!

2006-10-31T21:45:00.000-05:00

In the Spirit of Halloween...

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if
I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Dont give a fuck if
I cut my arm bleeding

Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me
I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me
I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin

It all started when I lost my lover
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me
I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me
I'm fine

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I can't go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Cuz Im losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me
I'm fine

Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me Im fine
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and Im crying

I can't go on living this way
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's alright
~ Papa Roach - "Last Resort"

Have a Happy Halloween!!!

I hope my morbid sense of humor didn't scare you too much... hehe
Best Wishes,
~<3>Rach

UGGG!!!! ANATOMY HELL

2006-10-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

My thoughts for the day...

ANATOMY F!#*ing Blows!!!! and Damn it I wish the new guy I'm interested in would let me know if we're on for our date this weekend.... OY MEN!!!!

It only hurts when I'm breathing...

2006-10-21T02:40:00.002-04:00

I HEART this Song!!!! It made me cry, but its beautiful, heartfelt, and so honest :-)
***********************************

Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

It only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back--as a matter fact

It only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming...

It only hurts when I breathe

~Shania Twain- "It only Hurts when I Breathe"

You KNOW you're overstressed and losing your mind when....

2006-10-16T15:13:00.002-04:00

So, umm yeah MASSIVE panic attack anxiety inducing test today in Micro. I know I passed because I got to check my answers against the exam key. However, I have no idea what the curve will be like so who knows what the actual grade will be. As always as my standards for myself go anything less than an A=not so great and C= BAD (keep in mind I graduated with my first degree in Psych with aproximately a 3.6) Honestly, I'm just glad its over. Please don't take my blog too seriously... I'm not completely fine, but I will be shortly after I get some rest.

Have a good one! Thank you to my dear friends who put up with my neurosis and still wuv me in spite of it ( even though some of you wanted to kill me for a few days... haha)

Best Wishes Always,
~<3> A very stressed Rach

Anyways as the title of today's blog states

You KNOW you're over stressed and losing your mind when....

1) While working at your job you joke about going around and throwing objects at customers/clients to relieve your frustration.

2) Big bowls of Ice Cream with Brownie and Cookie dough mixed in becomes a dinner entree

3) You start bribing people to take your exam for you and in accordance with the Godfather-- make them an offer they cannot resist (sexual favors excluded unless that person can guarantee you an A... SOO JK)

4) You call friends or text them at obscene hours of the night and leave incoherent neurotic txt messages or voicemail.

5) The next day when you recieve several phone calls from friends you're puzzled as to why you're hearing from some of them because well you sort of lost track of who you called while freaking out.

6) You wake up and have an angry text msg that says " Text me again at 2:30 in the morning and I will kill you"

7) You apologize profusely for neurotic late night phone antics... yet when the next night of panic comes.... despite death threats you text again and oops yeah you called everyone again too!

8) At work you request to be shot so you can be put out of your own misery

9) Then reality sets in you realize you REALLY don't want to die, you just want to escape. Hmm... knock me unconscious without injuring me becomes the new desired scenario!

10)When several other disgruntled employees express they too want to be shot too, you jokingly suggest a game of Russian Rouleet with revolvers-- The rules the last person left standing alive loses.

11) You start talking to the Cat and get mad when it doesn't have any suggestions on how to make things better, and does offer to take the test for you.

12) You start molting or shedding and you're not a damn bird, cat, or dog.

13) You wake up with 20 new gray hairs that weren't there the previous day.

14) While crossing a busy street you're nearly hit by a large cement truck and you think to yourself "Damnit why could it have just hit me and injured me only badly enough to get me out of having to take the test"

15) You get voicemails from concerned friends who are "just checking up on you" -- in other words those who have noticed you're going nuts call you back to confirm their suspicions of your insanity

16) When you finally talk are able to talk to one of these "concerned friends" and they ask how you are you're only replied is a Meeeeehhhhhh or an incoherent moaning gruntlike noise-- thus giving them the confirmation they were seeking.

17) When your friend responses to you by jokingly saying "Well at least you didn't slit your wrists" half kidding you reply "It's not like I didn't want to or seriously consider it"

18) You modify the lyrics of Adam Sandler's "Somebody Kill me Please" to fit your situation and you dance around your room singing it.

19) You're told that you need to get some sleep and the only response you have is a robotic NO SLEEP... MUST STUDY. You then proceed to get only 4 hours of sleep when you really needed about 8 or 9.

20) You write a stupid blog post about how you've been stressed and losing your mind lately for the sole purpose of dealing with being stressed and having lost your mind.

You Might be a Hoosier if...

2006-10-13T13:35:00.000-04:00

Just a little something I got in an e-mail that made me laugh and thus I had to blog because I need a study break-- haha pray for my test on mon and my friend's scans!!!

Laters Gators,
~<3> Rach

Jeff Foxworthy on Indiana..................
You Might be a Hoosier...

If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Indiana.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Indiana.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Indiana.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Indiana.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Hoosier WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I 65 for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events including weddings.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's Hot

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

13. Down south means Kentucky to you.

14. A brat is something you eat.

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.

17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".

19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Indiana friends or blog them. (What's not to understand???)

Everything's Alright... Everything's Fine...

2006-10-11T23:06:00.000-04:00

Not a whole lot going on in the land of Rach other than being very upset about long-time friend who is PG cutting off communication for no apparent reason (I'm worried about her as well), the stress of school (I bombed the Bones Lecture exam with flying colors of Poo), the insanity of work-- I want to kill the new guy (I yelled at him in front of a customer-- ARGG!!!). Not to mention that I have a massive Micro Exam coming up, and I've really been worrying about one of my friends who is very dear to me and is currently on the way home for scans to see how his last round of chemo went.

So basically my mind is going in a million different directions and I'm doing my very best not to freak out and be soo neurotic about it all because this is the way life goes sometimes. I'm not sure why, but what I find is that I'm more worried about what is going on with everyone else than what's on my own plate to deal with. I guess that's because when I care about people I really emphasize with them and have a difficult time seeing anyone I care about in a tough situation. I guess part of me wishes I had the power to control these unfortunate occurences and make everything better for the people I care about, unfortunately, I don't have that power... only God does, and thus the best thing I can do for myself and everyone is to not get myself so worked up over everything, and when I really feel at a loss of what to do... perhaps pray :-). Anyways that's my inter dialogue for today... I share it only because I'm sure there are people out there who can relate to how I'm feeling.

Best Wishes Always
~<3> Rach

PS. The song of the day is Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Everything's Alright" from JC Superstar... this is for everyone who understand where I am coming from and needs a reminder that's whatever is going on in your life... its gonna be alright eventually

Everything's Alright

Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.

Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us tonight
Everything's alright, yes, everything's alright, yes.

Sleep and I shall soothe you, calm you, and anoint you.
Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh.
Then you'll feel Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And it's cool, and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.
Everything's alright, yes, everything's alright, yes.

Woman your fine ointment, brand new and expensive
Should have been saved for the poor.
Why has it been wasted?
We could have raised maybe
Three hundred silver pieces or more.
People who are hungry, people who are starving
They matter more than your feet and hair!

Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's alright, yes.

Surely you're not saying we have the resources
To save the poor from their lot?
There will be poor always, pathetically struggling.
Look at the good things you've got.
Think while you still have me!
Move while you still see me!
You'll be lost, and you'll be sorry when I'm gone.

Sleep and I shall soothe you, calm you, and anoint you.
Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh.
Then you'll feel Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And it's cool, and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.

Everything's alright, yes, everything's alright, yes.
Close your eyes, close your eyes, and relax.

Mary had a Little Lamb ....

2006-10-03T00:32:00.000-04:00

Because I have a horribly silly sense of humor , am a science nerd, and love to procrastinate when I have to study for an insanely evil exam... here's my favorite version of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

HEHE!
Best Wishes Always
<3> Rach :-P

Mary Had a Little Lamb...

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was
slightly grey,

It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was a loan

It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon
it had some more,

They followed her to school one day,
all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing,
the teachers found it droll

There were to many lamby clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their
programs didn't vary,

So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,

One problem solved, but what to do with
Mary, Mary, Mary...

The Republican Dictionary

2006-10-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

Ok so long time no post. Quick Update- Nursing School thus far rocks and is going well. I LOVE LOVE Micro, and I get more interested and excited about it as the semester goes on. Sometimes I even find myself toying with the idea of medical school, and then the relization that I'd have to take O-Chem, the MCAT, and spend a fortune sets in and then I come back to earth and say to myself "just stick with the nursing". I'm still the "Returns Bitch" at the Depot, and hmm what else, oh yeah I got the cutest kitty in the whole world for my birthday- A Russian Blue called Starfire who likes to steal my socks and hide them in random places around the house. So that's basically my life for now. Work, School, and my adorably insane cat.

On a different note, I don't want to evoke a massive shit storm from my conservative friends, but a friend of mine in College Dems sent this to me and I despite the backlash that may occur I couldn't resist posting this because it's absolutely hilarious. Also, I've seenand even received numerous e-mail at aimed at mocking the "Bleeding Heart" liberals, so I don't exactly think posting this is all that bad.

Just to warn you, If you happen to be Pro-Life... just sort of overlook some of this... I deeply respect the Pro-Life position and because it is a very serious issue don't feel like it should be mocked.

Anyways Enjoy!
Best Wishes Always
<3> ~Rach

Republican dictionary- newest definitions

Alternative energy sources n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

Bankruptcy n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations.

Cheney, Dick n. The greater of two evils.

Climate change n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

Compassionate conservatism n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

Creationism n. Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

DeLay, Tom. 1. v. Past tense of De Lie; 2.n. Patronage saint.

Democracy n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News n. [Probably an Anglicism of the French; Faux News] Fiction.

Free markets n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

Girly men n. Males who do not grope women inappropriately.

Growth n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.
2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

Habeas corpus n. [Lat.] Archaic Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

Healthy forest n. No tree left behind.

Honesty n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences-- e.g., "Things are going well in Iraq."

House of Representatives n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

Laziness n. Term used to describe any period of time when the poor are not working.

Leisure time n. Term used to describe any period of time when the wealthy are not working.

9/11 n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy.

No Child Left Behind n. Government policy that insures success for all through guaranteed jobs in the military.

Ownership society n. A civilization in which 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

Pro-life adj. Term used to describe those who value human
life from conception until birth.

Senate n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30
million.

Simplify v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

Stay the course interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same
stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

Voter fraud n. Term used to describe a significant
minority turnout.

Wal-Mart n. Model for the future nation-state.

Water n. Arsenic storage device.

Woman n. 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child.

2.Person who must have all decisions regarding her
reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

Only Grace... The Lord's Prayer

2006-08-31T21:01:00.000-04:00

I recieved this in an e-mail and loved it so I thought I would share it with you all.
I ask everyone who reads this to please take a moment and think about how you are living your life and perhaps what God might say in response to you if you were the one praying here. It's quite interesting to think about.

THE LORD'S PRAYER

Rather cleverly done.
This is in two parts,
the prayer (in blue type) and
GOD (in red typed italics)
in response.
It is very, very good.

**************************

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME.
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am.
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense.
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.
I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control,
of everything down here like you have up there.
We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money --
all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!
Excuse ME.
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example.
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now,
but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere. We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread.
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember,
you called ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( . . pause . . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins! , as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it.
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness
and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh).
All right . all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things.
I want to truly follow you.
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

Ok, so despite your religious background, I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I did, or at least got something out of it

~Rach :-)

The song below is currently one of my favs so it earned the honor of being Song of the post today!!!

"Only Grace"
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…
it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…
Grace…

So get back up…
get back up again…
Get back up again.
~Matthew West

OY! Says the Old Lady of 24...

2006-08-30T16:43:00.000-04:00

Halo to all. As of yesterday, I am offically an oldy lady. OY!!!

I Just wanted to say Thanks to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday!
As some of you may know, I was a little sad about getting older, but thanks to a few good friends I now feel a lot better about being an old lady of 24...hehe. You really made my day-- I love you guys... you're bestest friends a girl could wish for.

Ok now as a reminder you HAVE to REMEMBER the new rule that goes into effect in 6 years.... when I hit 30, I will be turning 30 for the next 30 years... then perhaps after that you'll be allowed to say I'm 40... maybe...we'll just have to see... haha

Anyways Laters
<3>, Rach :-)

PS. So I was listening to my new Dixie Chicks CD (which is excellent) and heard this song, and thus its my song of the post...hehe. This song actually made me a little wistful when I first heard it, but it's chocolate time, so that makes sense... haha. I definitely suggest I-tuning or downloading this song!!!

"Favorite Year"
We were young and so inspired
We weren't the only ones who thought
We'd change the world
No sun would set without us
No one we knew could ever doubt us

We had our future figured out
We knew a love like ours would always save the day
And that we'd always be ok

But would you know me now
Would you lay me down beside you
Tell me everything I want to hear
Like that was your favorite year
Like that was your favorite year

You looked at me like no one else
But sometimes love just doesn't seem to conquer all
We search for someone else to blame
But sometimes things can't stay the same

But would you know me now
Would you lay me down beside you
Tell me everything I want to hear
Like that was your favorite year
Like that was your favorite year

Holding on to the memories
Of when we were younger
I can't forget
Cause when we were together
That's when I was at my best

And would you know me now
Would you lay me down beside you
Tell me all the things I long to hear
Like that was your favorite year
Like that was your favorite year...

Cause that was my favorite year

~ Dixie Chicks

Ode to a Microbe and other such nonsense...

2006-08-28T14:46:00.000-04:00

So here goes. For all of you that may not know, yes I am back in school, and I'm completely serious when I say that I am or at least will be the Xanax Fairy...
Ok ok... perhaps I can be a little less silly.

Let's try this again... After a few months of job hunting, working retail (even though I have a psych degree), and spending a great amount of time introspectively exploring my interests, I've decided to go back to school to pursue a master's degree in Psychiatric Nursing. After making this decision, I went ahead and applied to IU School of Nursing, and to my surprise GOT IN! So thus I embark on this glorious journey to becoming a Psychiatric Nurse.

( See I really will be the Xanax Fairy because Psychaitric Nurse Specialists can write scripts... WOO HOO)

Does the idea of me being a nurse scare some of you? Maybe

Am I getting in over my head by attending IU School of Nursing ? Possibly

Have I lost my mind? Am I nuts??? Probably ;-),

Here's how I look at it--
Often times we find that life doesn't quite pan out the way you thought it would. Had to you told me Freshman year of college I'd be where I am now going to school for a master's in nursing I would have probably laugh or looked at you funny. Way back when I swore I knew what I was going to career-wise, after a few years with a great guy I thought I had an idea of who I was going to marry-- in short I thought I knew it all. (sound familar? I think we all go through this in different ways... what's the term for it... Ah yes, Quarter- Life Crisis)

Well it turns out that I didn't know as much as I thought (who does really?) and though at first I had a hard time coming to terms with that, I'm ok with the fact that things aren't quite as I pictured them. Infact, I am rather excited for what's yet to come.

This whole experience is yet another turn I've taken in my life and I look at it as an opportunity to grow, mature, and become a better person.

So am I scared? A little

Do I think I can do this? I think so

Do I know where I'll be a year from now? Not a clue

Will I eventually become the Xanax fairy... i mean a Psychaitric Nurse Specialist?
We'll see.

Am I excited and looking forward to this? Without a doubt-- Hell yes :-)

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful end of summer whether its back to school, back to work, or just back to the regular grind of life.
I'll catch ya later.

Until Then,
<3>

PS. Look out for my Anti-depressants piece to come very soon.

The following was inspired by my Microbiology and Immunology class (Btw yes even the expensive microscopes are evil!!!!)

"Ode to a Microbe"

Oh Pathogen!
What art thou?
How dost thou grow?
How stainest thou?
I long to know thee!
I long to gaze upon thee on well-chosen media!
I long to put thee up on oil!
What virulence have thou?
What sickness dost thou bring?
What way is the death of thee?
Oh Pathogen!
What art thou?
~ Carol Edmondson

Quick Update

2006-07-06T11:25:00.000-04:00

Quick Update: I took the killer Anatomy final in Lab and I think I survived and will still take home a pretty decent grade. On that note, I'm feeling slightly better, but I've still got one more evil final to go before I'm in the clear for this week.
Oh "A &P" please don't fucking kill me...

~Rach

PS. I came across these lyrics and they really reasonated with me, (meaning that I really relate to them), thus its my song of the day today.

"I Can't Hate You Anymore"

An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.
We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.

You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.... I
can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try ,
I can't hate you anymore.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.

You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore

~Nick Lachey

Unwell- Somebody Kill ME Please

2006-07-05T23:26:00.000-04:00

So here's the deal my dad got married, I sang at the wedding it went well. The 4th came and went-- I was terribly homesick for the 4ths of the past and of course I felt empty and hallow inside temporarily. Then I had a blast with my friends RC Thadd, and my mom shooting off fireworks from the backyard. My phrase for that night-- Pyromaniac's Wet Dream!!! HAHA Hmm that would be an interesting band name.

Classes are tough... Anatomy in 5 weeks is HELL. I have a B right now, but barely... and that may change after I take Satan's finals this week.

If you can't tell I'm overly stressed, and truthfully I'm not doing so great.
I feel like I'm just barely hanging on, but I am still hanging on because I don't believe in giving up. However, if one more insane thing happens to me... I'm knocking myself unconscious because I really can't take anymore shit at the moment.

So umm good night...Please don't take anything I said here too seriously. I'm just in a massive funk and stressed over finals. Hopefully tomorrow will be less shitty, and I'll be back to my sunny old self soon.

~Rach

PS. Missy you were the best kiss ever!!! (well other than Rabo...haha) Why'd you have to remind me that I kissed Noah too...ICK!!!!

Somebody Kill me Please

You don't know how much I need you.
While you're near me I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss I know you need me too.
I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddamn joke.
And when I think of you "Anatomy & Physiology",
I hope you fucking choke.

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill me please,
Somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,pretty pretty please kill me.
I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.

~Adam Sandler- The Wedding Singer

"Unwell"

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I dont know why

But I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then youll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know,
I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then youll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough youre gonna think of me
And how I used to be...

Ive been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But Im not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

~Matchbox 20

My Immortal- I didn't mean to hurt you... :"(

2006-06-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

:""( It was wrong of me to post something so personal in a public place, and I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you and I didn't really mean all the horrible things I said. It hurt to learn that you replaced me and I didn't know how to deal, especially since you didn't tell/warn me first.

So you and everyone else knows, the truth is that I'm not ok at all. A lot of the time I pretend to be because I have no choice if I'm ever going to make it on my own. I've begun to notice that with time the pain only worsens. The cancer stuff haunts me and seems to make it almost impossible to let go completely. I have nightmares, flashbacks to the hospital, and to the day that kid died during my internship. I'm so terrified that you are going to die. I can deal with never being with you again, but I don't know how to even begin to deal with you dying. It's not something I like to think about, but I find that many of my memories torment me and that a heavy weight is on my heart. You say that you're doing fine and then the next thing I know the tumors are growing or graft vs. host is bad, and I go into this state of panic. The night I went to the hospital with alcohol posioning was the night I learned that the cancer was found in your spine, and I couldn't deal so I did what I could to escape reality. I've always felt that I had to hide my true feeling about the cancer stuff from you, because I wanted to be brave for you. Its my own fault but it turns out that repression has destroyed me and I've only caused myself additional pain by denying how I really feel.

I am so blinded with pain sometimes that I begin to feel as if I spent nearly 3.5 years living a lie and that all I ever was to you was sex. And I'll tell you that after hearing so many people tell you that it is very hard not to believe it. With all that's happened, now I do realize that's not true and I hate that I allowed my emotions to get so out of control.

I did what I did out of desperation in hopes that I would finally be able to be ok again. I've not really been ok since I first found out that the cancer was back and that you needed a transplant. Before the break-up I was already hurting inside because I didn't know how to deal with seeing someone I loved so sick. Us breaking up was just one more thing that I couldn't handle & it sent me over the edge-- none ot this is your fault and I do not blame you.

While expressing my feelings in that post I fooled myself into believing that if I severed any remaining ties and burnt all the bridges between us that I would finally heal and be set free. I am so tired of being sick and just want my sanity back. I miss the spark that makes me Rach. I was wrong and stupid to believe that, I not only hurt myself but what is the worst thing of all is that in the process I hurt you -- someone I love very deeply who did not deserve it in the least. Nothing excuses what I did, and I will forever regret having written something so horrible. I hope that perhaps you can look underneath the surface and see from what a deeply hurt and tortured place this came from and perhaps maybe one day find it in your heart to forgive me. No matter what I will always love you.

Though I really don't want to, I realize that if I am ever going to heal, for now I need to say goodbye. Before it is possible for me to move on I need to deal with my issues surrounding the cancer stuff, and everything else. It breaks what is left of my tattered heart even further but I realize that I will only ever be able to be ok if I focus on healing and not have any contact with you until I am completely better. Again, I am tremendously sorry for hurting you, and I'll love you forever. One day everything will be alright. Until then may God watch over you and keep you safe, happy, and healthy. I am always there in heart no matter what happens .

~Rach

PS. I figured that since I posted something so vile on this blog that it would be apropriate to retract it publicly by writing an apology in its place. In the event that what is written in it's place is too personal, I will gladly remove it.

"My Immortal"-- Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leaveI wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Why Hurt???

2006-05-10T12:15:00.000-04:00

I am fine on my own... I can survive on my own. I am strong and I am not going to fall to pieces because I'm alone. I don't need any man or anyone for that matter to complete me or be my other half-- I am complete and happy just being me.

Sometimes though, I just wish still had my best friend, the only one I've ever really loved, and the only one who really knows how to make me smile, because god do I miss him and sometimes it hurts like hell.

Though I miss him sometimes, why should I continue to allow it to have any effect on me? I shouldn't. He doesn't care and I shouldn't either. Seriously it is soo easy... why hurt? I'm young, intelligent, beautiful (I've been told) and the world is at my feet... I'm not about to let one silly boy who was kind of a jerk to me cause me anymore unnecessary hurt or allow what happened to make me feel sorry for myself. So I'm done with the boughts of being sad over lost love, because time is too precious to waste dwelling on "what might have been". It is time to focus on all the wonderful things that one day "will be".

So that's my internal monologue for today. I'm in one of "those" moods (girls you know what I mean) , and I'm not really open to comments or really clarifying anything specifically-- so don't come seeking clarification because you won't get any. Anyways...I'm pmsy, etc. Love sometimes sucks... I'm either becoming lesbian or a nun-- or even better a naughty nun...hehe. Jess let's go and get that wonderful Victorian house, 2 cats, allergy shots and meds-- I luv ya!!!! Have a good one!

Until next time,
~ <3> Rach :-P

"Why"~ Annie Lennox
How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me...
Why
Why

I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard is said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me...
Why
Tell me...
Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel ?
'cause i don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

"Hurt"- Nine Inch Nails
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

9 Lasts and 8 Have you evers...

2006-04-13T17:00:00.000-04:00

9 lasts

1. last place you were:Home Depot
2. last cigarette: The weekend Pani was in (I don't typically smoke -- that was a freak druken occurrence)
3. last beverage: coke zero
4. last kiss: last weekend
5. last movie seen: Liar Liar
6. last phone call: Steffie
7. last cd played: the CD Jessie made me
8. last bubble bath: two years ago after a long stressful day at BP
9. last time you cried: Hmm let's see... Sunday I think... maybe Monday... probably both

8 have you evers.

1. have you ever dated someone twice? sort of-- it's complicated
2. have you ever been cheated on? no not technically
3. have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it? Oh god... yes... think back to the Cowboys and Indians Party oh and last weekend ... Oy ve... Igads.. Yikes... EEK!!!
4. have you ever fallen in love? yes-- and I don't regret it.
5. have you ever been depressed? I am the Xanex Fairy... Woo Hoo!!!
6. have you ever been drunk and thrown up? unfortunately
7. have you ever hit another person? yes, but not too hard
8. Have you ever wanted to kill someone? hmm... that's a toughie... haha JK not literally

7 states you've been to: Other than the one you live in.
1. Massachusetts
2. Illinois
3. Florida
4. Pennsylvania
5. Ohio
6. Georgia
7. Iowa

6 things you've done today (not in any order)
1. Interviewed for a caseworker position
2. Worked at Home Depot as the Garden Gnome/Returns Bitch
3. Went to Penn Station for the first time since that last evil horrible time I had it
4. Drove to work
5. Got annoyed with the customers at returns
6. Talked on the phone

5 favorite things
1. Disney- Especially Winnie the Pooh
2. Chocolate-- mmm... yummy
3. Kitties
4. Traveling
5. Music

4 people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. Steffie
2. Malllory
3. Jessie/Rachael
4. Jeff

3 favorite colors
1. Red
2. Smurf Blue
3. Baby Duck Yellow

2 things you want to do before you die
1. Backpack across Europe with the love of my life (whoever you are come find me)
2. Write a book

1 thing you regret:
1. A text message that said something mean about someone I care about very deeply that accidently got sent to that person.

Happy Passover to all who Celebrate!
Best Wishes, Laters Gators!!!
~<3>Rach

The song for today is the latest from my favorite girls in country music the Dixie Chicks! Their new album comes out on May 23rd!!! I can't wait! http://www.dixiechicks.com/

"Not Ready to make Nice" ~ Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could‘
Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting..

The Sick in the Head Song...

2006-04-11T12:31:00.000-04:00

Sooo quick update to all, I have a second interview for a Case Worker position with Mid-town mental health coming up soon. I'm very excited and optimistic. It's a fantastic opportunity and so close to my dream job that its scary... so I think its time to knock on wood and keep my fingers crossed. As for other things my family life right now is really screwed up and stressful for everyone involved. On a daily basis my brother verbally (and sometimes physically) abuses both my mother and me, and its gotten to the point where I can hardly take it anymore. I'm sick of the abuse and it needs to stop. Today I finally spoke up to my mother and talked to a close relative about the problem. Hopefully an intervention and some tough love will help my brother finally get his act together.

One of my bestest friends Jessie, took me out on Sunday and cheered me up and made me feel soo much better. I LUV YOU Jess!!!! You Rock!!!

Anyways... that's all for now because it's time for me to get ready to go back to the Home Depot to be their Garden Gnome/Returns Bitch!!!

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach :-)

PS. Jessie got me back into Fiona Apple and I discovered the following song. As always it's here because its one of those things that I heard and related to...hehe this is soo brilliant!!!

"Tymps" (The Sick In The Head Song)

Those boon times went bust
My feet of clay, they dried to dust
The red isnt the red we painted
Its just rust
And the signature thing
That used to bring a following
I have troble now
Even remembering

So why did I kiss him so hard
Late last friday night
And keep on letting him change all my plans
I'm either sick in the head
I need to be bled dry, to quit
Or I just really used to love him
I sure hope thats it

I knew that to keep in touch
Would do me deep in dutch
Cuz it isnt the rush of remembering
Its just mush
And the signature thing
Is only growing harrowing
I should have no trouble now
To keep from following

So why did I kiss him so hard
Late last friday night
And keep on letting him change all my plans
I'm either sick in the head
I need to be bled dry, to quit
Or I just really used to love him
I sure hope thats it

Those boon times went bust
My feet of clay, they dried to dust
The red isnt the red we painted
Its just rust
And the signature thing
That used to bring a following
I have troble now
Even remembering

So why did I kiss him so hard
Late last friday night
And keep on letting him change all my plans
I'm either sick in the head
I need to be bled dry, to quit
Or I just really used to love him
Or I just really used to love him
Or I just really used to love him...
I sure hope thats it

By: Fiona Apple

You were always on my mind...

2006-04-04T22:39:00.000-04:00

So... my friend KJ wrote a very interesting post about Love and relationships and it just got me thinking about things. (If you want to check out the post I am referring to click on the link to KJ's Blog) It pretty much got me thinking about the difficulties we encounter in life, love, and relationships, and really made me introspect on my own experiences more carefully. I can't pinpoint exactly when, but somewhere a long the line I think I lost my faith in love. Heartbreak will do that to you though-- Break-ups almost always mark the transition from hopeful romantic to cyncial realist. I used to think that love was always enough, and that if two people loved each other enough they could overcome whatever obstacles came their way. I hate to break it to those of you out there who are still eternal optimists, but that just isn't the case-- welcome to reality.

I'll share the comment I left for KJ in response to her post:
Sometimes, unfortunately, love that is that special "something so powerful that actually physically takes you over" isn't enough. All to often in relationships we take one another for granted and walk all over each other... fight about stupid idiotic insignificant petty things, and wind up tearing each other apart. And for what--our pride? It's just not worth it! What's worse is that when the relationship eventually is under too much strain you end up losing the one person who you love more than anyone-- the person you always thought would be there. Love is not so simple as dimond rings, proposals, or even that powerful something that takes you over. That is all a fairy tale myth we are taught when we are growing up. The truth is you can still be willing to fight and tough it out through everything and things could still blow up in your face and not work out. In life there are no guarantees and love isn't an exception to that rule. If you still have that special someone you love count your blessings, and don't ever take that person or your relationship for granted-- I sure wish I hadn't made that mistake... it's something I'll always regret. UGG I hate relationships... make them go away... ICK!!!

Ok, that's enough for now... if you can't tell I'm sort of in a sad icky mood and I should probably go. Later gators!

~<3> Rach

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and doneI
just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied...
satisfied

Little things I should have
Said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind....
~Willie Nelson- "Always on my Mind"

:"(

Are your Cats old enough to learn about Jesus???

2006-03-23T20:10:00.000-05:00

Ok... soo I was reading at the www.theonion.com, which is a fabulous site btw, and I found two articles that were absolutely hilarious, so I must post them. They both mock religion to different degree. All I ask is that you so please try to keep an open- mind and see the humor in it instead of being offended. That is all I will say...hehe... oh wait, and I HEART The Onion!!!

Are your Cats old enough to learn about Jesus?
By Marian Byer February 28, 2006 Issue 42•09

People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"

A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.

My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.
That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.

Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.

A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.
Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair. Before they cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep, they'll know—without being scolded—that they had better watch it, as a Final Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.

Of course, once your cat has accepted the Lord in its heart, it's ready to be baptized. The righteous cat is one that is born again in the eyes of the Lord. People think that baptism is a rite that requires a fancy baptismal font and a preacher, but that's simply not true. Just fill your bathtub with water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in accordance with Scripture.
So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats' birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.
Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul. We all must one day appear before the Holy Seat Of Judgment, and although my Oliver and Lady Twinkles passed on long ago from this vale of tears, I take solace in the knowledge that, when the time comes for me to receive the ecstasies of Heaven, all of my housecats will be waiting to spend eternity on my lap. And don't get your cats vaccinated, either. The Lord will provide protection from feline leukemia.

Man Just Using Virgin Mary To Get To Jesus
March 17, 2006 Issue 42•12

TUPELO, MS—The Blessed Mother Mary said Monday that devout Catholic Anthony Montero is simply praying to her as a way to get to her Son, Jesus Christ. "People exploit me for my connections, worshipping me as a way to get closer to Jesus," said the Holy Virgin, bathed in a golden light and attended by seraphim. "How would Anthony feel if I called upon him in the guise of friendship, but simply wanted his cousin to do some plumbing work for me? It's just rude." Our Lady added that, if Montero wants to reach Jesus so badly, maybe he should "grow a pair and pray to Him directly."

Ok, so that's my post for today... Have a good one! Luv Yas!!!
Until Later...

~<3> Rach :-P

The song for this post is "Goodbye Love" from RENT... I just got the RENT special edition DVD and saw the deleted scene and its very fresh in my mind. Thus it is here... Enjoy and go rent RENT...haha !!!

"Goodbye Love"

Mimi: It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car?
Roger: t's true - I'm leaving now for Santa Fe It's true you're with this yuppie scum?
Benny: You said you'd never speak to him again
Mimi: Not now
Maureen: Who said you that you have any say in who she says things to at all?
Roger: Yeah!

Joanne: Who said that you should stick your knoes in other people's...
Maureen: Who said I was talking to you?
Joanne: We used to have this fight each night
Mark: Calm down
Joanne: She'd never admit I existed
Mark: Everyone please
Mimi: He was the same way - he was always "run away - hit the road don't commit" you're full of shit

Joanne: She's in denial
Mimi: He's in denial
Joanne: Didn't give an inch when i gave a mile
Mark: Come on
Mimi: I gave a mile
Roger: Gave a mile to who?
Mark & Benny: Come on guys chill!

Mimi & Joanne: I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had someone to live for-unafraid to say i love you

Roger:All your words are nice Mimi but loves not a three way street you'll never share real love until you love yourself-- I should know

Collins: You all said you'd be cool today so please for my sake...I cant believe he's gone... I can't believe your going(to Roger)... I can't believe this family must die. Angel helped us believe in love I can't believe you disagree

All: I cant believe this is good bye ( Maureen and Joanne reconcile and go home. Collins returns to the funeral home. Mimi and Benny leave together. Roger andMark are left alone.)

Mark: I hear there are great resturants out west
Roger: Some of the best, how could she?
Mark: How could you let her go?
Roger: You just don't know...how could we lose Angel?
Mark: Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain at least now if you try Angel's death wont be in vain

Roger: His death is in vain
Mark: Are you insane? There's so much to care about there's me there's Mimi-
Roger: Mimi's got her baggage too
Mark: So do you
Roger: Who are you to tell me what I know. What to do
Mark: A friend

Roger: But who Mark are you? "Mark has got his work" they say, "Mark lives for his work", and "Mark's in love with his work" -- Mark hides in his work.
Mark: From what?

Roger: From facing your failure, facing your loneliness. Facing tha fact you live a lie. Yes, you live a lie tell you why-- you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive. You pretened to create and observe, when you really detatch from feeling alive--
Mark: Perhaps because I'm the one of us to survive
Roger: Poor baby

Mark: Mimi still loves Roger Is Roger really jealous or afraid that Mimi's weak
Roger: Mimi did look pale
Mark: Mimi's gotten thin, Mimi's running out of time Roger's running out the door--
Roger: No more! Oh no! I've gotta go
Mark: Hey for someone who's always been let down who's heading out of town?
Roger: For someone who long's for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?
I'll call... I hate the fall

(Mimi enters)
Roger: You heard?
Mimi: Every word. You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees. You don't want to watch me die? I just came to say goodbye love goodbye lovecame to say goodbye love, goodbyejust came to say
Roger: Glory
Mimi: Goodbye love
Roger: One blaze of
Mimi:Goodbye love
Roger:Glory
Mimi:Goodbye love goodbye
Roger: I have to find(Roger leaves Benny enters)

Mimi: Please don't touch me understand I'm scared I need to go away
Mark: I know a place, a clinic
Benny: A rehab?
Mimi: Maybe could you?
Benny: I'll pay
Mimi: Goodbye love, goodbye love, came to say goodbye love goodbye. Just came to say goodbye love, goodbye love, goodbye love, goodbye love... Hello diesease!

(Mimi runs away, Collins is booted from the funeral home when he can't pay the bill. Benny offers to pay; then he andCollins go drinking. Mark stays behind to prepare for his meeting with "Buzzline".)

Don't believe the lies, critically analyze!: Message from John Cleese - To the Citizens of the United States of America

2006-03-22T14:43:00.000-05:00

A friend had this link in her profile the other day and it linked me to what is posted below. I thought it was hilarious! Nicole... I HEART YOU for this :-D Enjoy!

Don't Believe the lies, Critically Analyze!: Message from John Cleese-- To the Citizens of the United States of America

Sound bites, political speak, media spin, tabloid sensationalism, propaganda and misinformation are the media's language. How do you see through the lies and discover the truth? Be discerning; critically analyse what you are being told. The media does not have a responsibility to report the news honestly; profit is the purpose of the media corporation. They answer to their shareholders. News and advertising is their product. The viewing public are their consumer. No Conspiracy theories here.

To the Citizens of the United States of America:In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asgood guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

15. Start pronouncing "Queen Camilla." She will be your next queen!

http://kurtrudder.blogspot.com/2005/04/message-from-john-cleese-to-citizens.html

I hope you found that as entertaining as I did!!! El fin para hoy!!!Luv Yas!!!
Until Next time...
~<3> Rach :-P

Hehe and my Song for this post appropriately is "God Save the Queen" the Sex Pistols verison and of course the traditional version... hehe :-D

"God Save The Queen" ~ Sex Pistols

God save the queen
The fascist regime
They made you a moron
Potential H-bomb

God save the queen
She ain't no human being
There is no future
In England's dreaming

Don't be told what you want
Don't be told what you need
There's no future, no future,
No future for you

God save the queen
We mean it man
We love our queen
God saves

God save the queen
'Cause tourists are money
And our figurehead
Is not what she seems

Oh God save history
God save your mad parade
Oh Lord God have mercy
All crimes are paid

When there's no future
How can there be sin
We're the flowers in the dustbin
We're the poison in your human machine
We're the future, you're future

God save the queen
We mean it man
We love our queen
God saves

God save the queen
We mean it man
And there is no future
In England's dreaming
No future, no future,
No future for you
No future, no future,
No future for me
No future, no future,
No future for you
No future, no future
For you

"God Save the Queen"~ Traditional First publicly performed in London, 1745

God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us;
God save the Queen!

O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies
And make them fall;
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
God save us all!

Thy choicest gifts in store
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign;
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!

Not in this land alone, But be God's mercies known, From shore to shore! Lord make the nations see, That men should brothers be, And form one family, The wide world over

From every latent foe, From the assassins blow, God save the Queen! O'er her thine arm extend, For Britain's sake defend, Our mother, prince, and friend, God save the Queen!

Lord grant that Marshal Wade May by thy mighty aid Victory bring. May he sedition hush, And like a torrent rush, Rebellious Scots to crush. God save the Queen!

You Made me fall in Love... & I'm Pissed!!!

2006-03-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

I'm not exactly sure what to say at the moment. I'm a little stressed, but still much better than have been in the past. The job search is grueling and tedious... the interviews make me want to laugh and cry at the same time, and I've settled for working at the Home Depot as seasonal help until I land that dream job I spent over $60,000 on my education in order to get.

As for men... well I'm confused about all of them... new men, old men, men who lied to me about their age and martial status, men who I flirted shamelessly with and then never returned their calls, men who are jerks that I just stopping seeing, men who are friends that think I'm hot, men who are my friends and stopped txting their sugar rabbit, men who annoyed my friends, men who mocked my wife for pmsing (DAN YOU'RE SOO DEAD), men whom I kind of like but can't decide if I really like, men I still love, men whom I'm related to that drive me crazy, men my friends are dating and shouldn't be, men from the past, men who broke my friends' hearts and mine too, just MEN... don't ask... I won't talk about it because well then I'll get even more aggravated with the male sex. And you know what happens then right...that's when I start devising plans to ship all the men in the world to an island in Siberia where they will live very uncomfortably after having their penises frozen off...hehe. Maybe the idea is a little extreme and kind of insane... but come you have to admit that it's brilliant. Ok, Kids that's enough for today.

If you happen to be male and are offended by this... I'm sorry...try not to take it too personally. I still have love for you... maybe... unless you're the asshole who lied to me about your age and marital status!!!

~ <3> Rach

Here is something a friend showed me today and well I found it to be a rather insightful commentary about love, and then proceeded to get pissed when I related to parts of it. Anyways... I'm sharing it

You made me fall in love.
You made me fall in love with you.
Without you, my arms crave.
Without you, my arms eyes thirst.
Without you, my sighs go unheeded.
Without you, time torments me.
Without you, restless burns me.
Without you, peace evades me.
This anxiety, this distance seen never-ending.
Agony is what I get for falling in love.
My pining shatters me.
This distance compels me.
Without you, my life is worthless.
Without you, my heart stops beating.
Without you, I am shelter less.
You made me fall in love.
In my eyes,I behold you forever.
In this moment of ecstasy, my passions run deep.
I am crossing my limits in voluntarily.
In your arms, I am giving up.
Without you, my nights are endless.
Without you, my thirst unquenchable.
Without you, the distance seems boundless.
You made me fall in love.
~ Author Unknown

For the record... I am so tempted to add & I'm pissed at the end of that! Oh, and I also want to be very clear and note that I would never ever claim my life is worthless because I don't have someone... that's a bit extreme even for overly emotional me! OY...

Probably wouldn't be this way...

2006-02-19T01:36:00.000-05:00

OMG... I just heard this and it made me bawl like crazy... :"(... it's so sad and pretty... It's by Lee Ann Rimes... It reminds me of a friend who's fiancee died... and just sad stuff... Oy!

"I Probably Wouldn't be this way"

Got a date a week from
Friday with the Preacher's son,
Everybody says he's crazy,
I'll have to see
I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came,
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves
I'm probably going on and on it seems
I'm doing more of that these days

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it,
Oh you left so fast,
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God give me moments grace
Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Momma says that I just shouldn't speak to you,
Susan says that I should just move on,
You oughta see the way these people look at me,
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone,
Everybody thinks I've lost my mind but I just take it day by day

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it,
Oh you left so fast,
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God give me moments grace
Cause if I'd never seen your face

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't be this way,
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad,
I never pictured every minute without you in it,
Oh you left so fast,
Sometimes I see you standing there,
Sometimes I feel an angels touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God give me a moments grace
Cause if I'd never see your face
I probably woudln't be this way
I probably wouldn't be this way

Got a date a week from
Friday with the Preacher's son,
Everybody says he's crazy,
I'll have to see

Far Away....

2006-02-18T23:59:00.000-05:00

Quick update...my new meds are wonderful. I feel better than I have in a long time. I'm interviewing ... I had a clarian interview and I got an invite for a second interview with them next week. I also have another job interview with a different company lined up for next week as well. Something will work out one way or the other. I didn't realize it until recently, but its probably been almost two years since I've really felt like myself. It really makes me think and wonder about a lot of stuff that happened over the past two years... no use dwelling, its just interesting is all.

Moving on...

My friend Pani came to visit and we went out in Nap Town two nights in a row and had a blast... I even met a really cool guy who is cute girls (think Freddie Prinze Jr... mmm). I'm not sure if anything will happen with him, but it was great and really refreshing just to get out and meet new people. I'm sort of in a let things flow and happen naturally place with my life with everything. I've noticed rarely have I ever just let things flow naturally because I'm scared of the unknown and not having any control over anything. What I've learned is that though we do have some degree of control over our lives, the amount of control we percieve we have is an illusion (we've really overestimated how much control we actually have). God is the governing force over all, and ultimately God is the one running the show. Life is far more enjoyable when we let go and just let life happen.

As for V-day... it was brilliant!!! I went to a private "by invitation only" MAC new collection unveiling with Mal and had cocktails, my friend Dan came over and brought me a long stem rose and a huge- I mean huge box of chocolate with two levels, and my lovely wife Steffie got me the most adorable Winnie the Pooh tin that had candy in it...all in all Singles awareness day wasn't bad and life is good!!!

Ok... so that's all I really have to say for now... nothing too terribly exciting.

Until next time,
~<3~> Rach :-D

My song for this post is Nickelback's "Far Away"... I heard it and well lets just say I identify and it touched me which is why it gets to be the song and title of this post... download it seriously!!!

This time,
This place
Misused,
Mistakes
Too long,
Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left'
Cause you know,you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees,
I'll ask
Last chance
for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything
but I won't give up
'Cause you know,you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
~ Nickelback-- Far Away

Please Be Respectful

2006-02-03T01:27:00.000-05:00

My last post recieved an interesting comment directed at my ex and it really bothered me . Regardless of everything that has happened he is still my friend and he does not deserve that sort of treatment-- Nobody does. This is not a lets bash my ex blog, I sometimes write about the things that bother me on here and stuff that's happened and well he's involved in at least one post in the past because he's still a part of my life. Though we are lucky enough to have the freedom of speech, I would greatly appreciate it if everyone could refrain from name calling. I don't care what you think or even if you feel that what you said is true, I don't want it left on my blog.
Thanks!!! Luv Yas!

~Rach

Torn

2006-02-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

So I'm not really sure what to say here. A lot has happened in the past week and a half, almost nearly two weeks, and I'm sort of so shaken up by everything that has transpired that I can't really bring myself to reveal a whole lot of specifics. Infact I'd rather speak ambigiously and almost incoherently about it all because it honestly brings me to a place where I'm beyond it all and feel better. It's very weird I know, but its me... I'll use the phrase I've despised most as of last week: "You do the math".

I'm very sad. I feel lost, a little lonely, and hella confused. Probably the worst part of all of this is that I feel like nobody cares. While deep down I know that feeling is just a normal part of what I am experiencing, it still really really hurts and at times its very hard to rise above that mindset. I feel as if my heart has been broken all over again, but the rapture this time was much different and not caused by what you might expect given what's happened. It's almost as if it was involuntarily self-inflicted before any demise ever transpired thanks to good ol' psychoactive medication.

Due to my favorite psuedo-science, Psychopharmacology/Psychaitry (No, I've not gone nuts like a certain famous Scientologist... I'm just severely POD at the field because of my own hellish experience), I was barely hanging on by a thread before making the conscious decision to defy logic and heed the warnings of my closest friends. I lacked the ability to see what was in my best interest, and identify the catalyst that would spur a negative chain of reactions. Despite the many warnings and my own reservations, I entered a situation where I was severely hindered in the regard that I had so little left emotionally and what I was hanging on to was so frail that even the slightest movement would have an imminent devastating effect. Of course the slightest little thing did cause everything to blow up in my face, but I don't regret my decision because if nothing else it tied up all remaining lose ends, and served to be an immensely valuable learning experience. Should a similar situation arise in the future, I'll have this to lean back on as reference as to why I need to listen to logic and not compromise myself by settling for whatever scraps are thrown my way.

My point from is that I've learned that in life and love,The cost needs to be lower than the gain not the other way around... when cost exceeds the gain, then it is just not worth it.

Luckily, there are only a few of you out there that really have any idea what I am babbling about and even fewer of you that know who are actually reading this.
My apologies if none of this made any sense... I'm still feeling under the weather from the med switch (withdrawal hell again + bad side effects of the new meds), I do a more coherent and completely unrelated post when I'm feeling more like myself again.

Until then,

Best Wishes,
~<3>Rach

PS. I soo relate to this song ...

"Torn" By: Natalie Imbruglia

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry

That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch,I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.

Mommy's little helper

2006-01-20T08:45:00.000-05:00

Soo today I am going into school with my mom to help a bunch of 7th and 8th graders edit their research papers- You know seeing as I am a college grad who you know did this sort of thing all the time at school with Rabo for our underclassmen friends... haha... I guess some things never change. Hmm... how much should I charge? Ok, well its early kids and I'm off to school :-) Love Ya's!

Until Later...

Best Wishes,
~<3>Rach

Today's song is from RENT since I've been listening to it so much lately!!!!

ROGER :
Who Do You Think You Are?
Barging In On Me And My Guitar
Little Girl - Hey
The Door Is That Way
You Better Go You Know
The Fire's Out Anyway
Take Your Powder - Take Your Candle
Your Sweet Whisper
I Just Can't Handle
Well Take Your Hair In The Moonlight
Your Brown Eyes - Goodbye, Goodnight
I Should Tell You I Should Tell You
I Should Tell You I Should -- No!
Another Time - Another Place
Out Temperature Would Climb
There'd Be A Long Embrace
We'd Do Another Dance
It'd Be Another Play
Looking For Romance
Come Back Another Day
Another Day

MIMI:
The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease If I Can Learn
There Is No Future
There Is No Past
I Live This Moment
As My Last
There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret
Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road
No Other Way
No Day But Today

ROGER:
Excuse Me If I'm Off Track
But If You're So Wise
Then Tell Me - Why Do You Need
Smack?
Take Your Needle
Take Your Fancy Prayer
And Don't Forget
Get The Moonlight Out Of Your Hair
Long Ago - You Might've Lit Up My Heart
But The Fire's Dead - Ain't Never Ever
Gonna Start
Another Time - Another Place
The Words Would Only Rhyme
We'd Be In Outer Space
It'd be Another Song
We'd Sing Another Way
You Wanna Prove Me Wrong?
Come Back Another Day
Another Day

MIMI:
There's Only Yes
Only Tonight
We Must Let Go
To Know What's Right
No Other Course
No Other Way
No Day But Today

MIMI & OTHERS:
I Can't Control
My Destiny
I Trust My Soul
My Only Goal
Is Just - To Be
There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today

ALL:
No Day But Today
No Day But Today
No Day But Today
No Day But Today
No Day But Today

ROGER:
Control Your
Temper
She Doesn't See
Who Say's That
There's A Soul
Just Let Me Be
Who Do You Think
You Are?
Barging In On Me
And My
Guitar
Little Girl, Hey
The Door Is
That Way
The Fire's Out
Anyway
Take Your
Take Your Candle
Take Your Brown
Eyes
Your Pretty Smile
Your Silhouette
Another Time,
Another Place
Another Rhyme,
A Warm Embrace
Another Dance,
Another Way
Another Chance,
Another Day

The Two Wolves

2006-01-19T05:20:00.000-05:00

Hello All... it's been a little while since my last post. I was under an immense amount of stress from a family issue, some tifts with some friends, and well worry over a friend's health crisis. Under normal circumstances I think that I would have behaved perfectly rationally and normal; however, this week I learned that I was sooo PMSing last week. Not to use that as an excuse or discredit the stereo-types our awesome feminist sisters have worked so hard to get society to move beyond... but DAMN when I PMS its a hardcore shit-storm that everyone in my path should avoid. Why exactly? I'm not quite sure... I'm just one of those people that PMS hits really hard. If you fell victim to this past PMS shit-storm of the Rach... I'm soo sorry! Forgivers me Pweez! I do still love you... seriously!

On a different note things this week are looking really up. For starters I got my health insurance back I went into the Doctor last week and he doubled my meds which has transformed me from a very sad and sobby person who sits and does nothing to my typical happy- go- lucky silly self. God Bless Effexor 150mg.... I HEART YOU!

A couple days ago I also got the most amazing news-- my friend's lymphnodes have shrunk and he may not need Chemo again after all. Let's keep praying and hoping that things continue to get better for him

As for the job hunt, I've applied for 6 different positions ranging from a Psychaitric Attendant to a Program Specialist for a Mental Health facility to a Case Manager Position with Family and Child Protective Services. Hopefully something will work out one way or the other. In the meantime I plan to substitute teach at the local school corporation until I land that professional dream job... lets just hope they don't give me middle school or high school kids because I don't know how well I can handle them...haha... OY!

Well that's all for now... I hope that the week is going well for all of you as well!

Until Later...

Best Wishes,
~<3>Rach

PS. Happy 23rd Birthday Steffie and Happy Belated 23rd Birthday Dan G.

My little Tidbit of the day is a short story called The Two Wolves:

The Two Wolves

One evening an Old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was going on

inside himself

He Said, " Son it is between 2 wolves. One is Evil: Anger, Envy, Sorrow, Regret, Greed, Arrogance, Self-Pity, Guilt, Resentment, Inferiority, Lies, False Pride, Superiority and Ego..."

He went on and said,"The other is Good: Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Benevolence, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion and Faith..."

The Grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee smiled, and simply replied, "The one that I feed."

~Author Unknown

Welcome Back to Junior High/Middle School...or you know grow the FUCK up already

2006-01-11T06:16:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since we've been in Junior high or middle school... a good 10 or 11 years for most of us, yet its so interesting how we're all 22 and 23 and (admittedly myself included at times) we're still acting like 12 and 13 year-olds being immature, gossipy, petty, idiots running around with our heads up our asses. In the past 5 months I've witnessessed insenstivity and lack of understanding from intiators of break-ups, blogs bashing exes (I've been guilty of that), exes being treated like exiles or third class citizens, games of who can hurt the other person more, manipulation, sex lies and videotape drama, and the inability on all sides to in general behave and handle ourselves like adults. As I've commented before, the whole break-up thing and figuring out how to interact with the ex is so difficult. We all say we hope to be friends, and then it turns out its easier said than done. We've all been guilty of perhaps not treating our exes the way they should be treated, but I think its time we all grow up and be civil and actually stick to our word. We're adults and we should act like adults instead of angst ridden adolscents who haven't a clue about relationships.

On another closely related note, we're also old enough to be far above gossiping, looking for information about our friends from other sources other than that friend, and not being able to be honest about our feelings. Nothing good ever comes from gossiping. Typically the facts and a person's feelings are misconstrued, and what's worse people's feelings can get hurt, and most like the end results with the object of your gossip's affection being royally pissed off their friends were talking behind their back in the first place. Futhermore, honesty is always the best policy, even if being honest may offend someone or hurt someone's feelings. Sometimes the truth hurts... that's life and we should all just learn to deal with it. Its understandable for someone to be hurt by something someone feels, but a true friend will not hold that against you and will in the end be glad that you were upfront with them. Not too many people like it when people are phony or fake with them. You'll find that there was never a superlative category honoring the person who was the most fake or two-faced. God I totally remember why it is that I prefer my guy friends over my girl friends-- guys typically don't do the gossip shit and tell it like it is.

Its quite simple kiddies if you want to know something about a person, suck it up and ask them yourself, be honest and real, be civil and nice to the exes-- after all you did once love them, and if someone asks you about a person, practice some self control and tell them whatever information you may have is not yours to share... or you know we can all go back to Junior High/Middle School where this sort of thing is common practice and continue to make each other's lives hell.

If you can't tell I'm in a mood. I don't care if you comment, but I'm most likely not going to spare you my oppinion. If you don't know me well or haven't experienced an instance such as this, one thing with me is that I tend to not really assert an intense strong opinion on an issue unless its something that I feel I can't ignore. I think that they way many of us, myself included, have behaved is assinine and I'm so sick of it. If you don't like or want to hear my opinion you can choose to not hear it... if you can't ignore it... tough shit, sucks to be you I guess because I sugar-coat nada.

Until Next Time,

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach

Instead of song lyrics here's some fun quotes from the films Mean Girls and Little Black Book:

Quotes from Mean Girls:

Karen: [thinks she flashed over] Oh my god, she's so annoying.
Gretchen: Who is?
Karen: Who's this?
Gretchen: Gretchen...
Karen: Right... hold on. [Karen flashes over to Cady]
Karen: Oh my god, she's so annoying.

Gretchen: But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".
Regina: What are "frenemies"?
Gretchen: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies".
Karen: Or "enemends".
Gretchen: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors".
Regina: [rolls eyes] That is so gay.
Karen: [gasps] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"?
Regina: [scoffs]
Gretchen: No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it.
Karen: Oh...

Quote from Little Black Book:

(Stacy Showing the video recording of Lulu interview to Joyce)

Lulu: She called all the time,begging him, pleading, pathetic. He played me the messages
on the machine. They were hysterical . She was desparate.
Stacey: Joyce?

(Stacey stops the tape)

Stacey: I shouldn't have shown you that.

Joyce: No, I appreciate it, really. It's just so bad, you know. I probably did call him a few timeswhen he was with her. But I was upset. I wouldn't characterize it as being hysterical or pathetic. But for her to know... that I called means that he told her. Even if she didn't hear it, she knew, and that's just so bad.

Stacey: Joyce, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Into a Grey Sky Morning...

2006-01-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

I don't have a whole lot to say today other than I had a hellish Fri into Sat visiting my dad and brother Danny. Danny is using drugs and alcohol heavily on a daily basis and his behavior is totally out of control. He verbally abuses my father and grandmother, as well as my brother Matt, and me when we visit. This past weekend was especially bad. Not only did he attack Matthew and my father, he went after me for no good reason at all other than I was collecting my stuff and happened to have my mother's sleeping bag which he supposedly wanted after he saw that I had it. Danny really needs some professional help and fast. Hopefully while in a correctional facility he will be able to get the help he needs. Fortunately, I spent Sat night with Steffie, and these awesome guys we know :-), and watched The 40-year-old Virgin and Mr. and Mrs. Smith... so the weekend wasn't all bad.

Other than that, I am very worried about someone close to me because they are going through a very serious and scary situation. I am also in the midst of doing job apps and getting the ball rolling on landing that job-- you know the one I HAVE to get ASAP.

Until Next time...

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach

Most Recent song that Resonated with me:

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever
~Vertical Horizon-- Grey Sky Morning

A Prayer for Sharon...

2006-01-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

Today let us take a moment to say a prayer for Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon who has suffered a massive stroke.

Prayer for the prime minister
Written By Bradley Burston

Say a prayer for the prime minister.
Say a prayer for the man who could not be broken.
Say a prayer for our shattered present.
Say a prayer for our shuttered common future.
Pray for the man who could not be stilled.
Pray for the man who could not be swayed.
Say a prayer for the future only he knew.
Say a prayer for the people he has left behind.
The Jewish People, the people he loved, at times despite himself, despite them.
The people who could not bring themselves to love him.
Pray for those of us who once embraced him, and came to curse him.
Pray for those of us who once cursed him, and could not bring ourselves to forgive him.
Pray for those who call themselves religious and see in this, the hand of God.Pray for those who call themselves non-religious and need now to pray.
Pray for the leaders who, unable to replace him, will now succeed him.
Pray for a miracle.
Pray for all of us.
Pray that we may know to heal each other.
Pray for this land.
That it may know the peace that he never will.

www.haaretz.com

Note to Self...

2006-01-03T19:14:00.000-05:00

Here's my post for today...

Note to self:

1. Some men suck but not all of them, so do not be so quick to judge

2. I don't want to seriously date anyone right now, because I feel I need time to focus on getting a job, and there's not really anyone who's caught my interest

3. There is a reason I don't want to date a guy that's more than a year younger than me and it's a damn good one... listen to that gut instinct-- it's intelligent

4. Different does not necessarily= bad or scary , as I'm learning in my new friendship.

5. You can be optimistic and realistic at the same time

6. Find a Job ASAP... I repeat Find a Job ASAP!!!

7. See # 6

8. Taking steps backward into the past is not an option... the only direction is to move is forward.

9. See # 6 again

10. In the Spirit of Hitchhikers' Guide- DON'T PANIC and if something is meant to be it will be... its not worth worrying about or losing sleep over. Be thankful for who and what you have in your life and live for the now!!!

That's my post !!!

Until Next Time...

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach

I heard this song from my new CD and it floored me... oh and made me cry a bunch... I soo relate to it, so here it is!!!

I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state
I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

~ Kelly Clarkson-- I Hate Myself for Losing You

OY... Plan B...OY!!!

2006-01-02T23:45:00.000-05:00

Hi. So you always hear about the controversy over Plan B,the emergency contraceptive pill, but I don't I think that until you are faced with having to figure out a way to obtain it, you really have no idea how crucial it is that we make it easier for women to obtain it. I'm not going to go into detail about the events that transpired over this hellish New Years weekend, suffice to say that one of my best friends made a foolish mistake and was in dire need of the infamous Plan B pill. Unfortunately, because we live in conservative Indiana, where Plan B is often frowned upon, we had one hell of a time figuring out how exactly to get a script for the pill. You see in Indy, it not exactly easy to get a prescription for Plan B. They make you do a lot of hoop jumping, so much that if you're scared and clueless about what to do, chances are you will not be able to get the treatment you need.
At the late hour, I don't really have the energy to go on a rant about how I feel about this, so instead I am including an except from my friend's post about Plan B from his website. It seems that the current government wants to lower, prevent abortion, and even make abortion illegal, yet at that same time they want to make it ridiculously difficult for a person to take preventive measures after making a mistake or another unforeseen event. To an extent I understand why the current regulations are what they are, but in all honesty we really need to come up with something better and more sufficient. OY!!! I think I'm disgusted with the way our government chooses to handle this issue.

Until Later...

Best Wishes,

~<3> Rach

The author of what you are about to read is a P2 in Pharmacy School at Butler University, and is one of the most amazing people I know.

The thought came to me in Principles of Drug Action class that science is exactly the opposite. Scientific data collection and interpretation is never a debate, it is an exchange of information towards the goal of accurate conclusions. Science is pure. Science does not, under any circumstances, knowingly falsify information to achieve any goal. The goal, in science, is accuracy and knowledge.

This difference was most apparent in mid-August when the FDA's board of medical scientists overwhelmingly decided that the contraceptive pill Levonorgestrel (Plan B) met the 7 criteria for Over-The-Counter status. This drug has been on the market for over fifteen years and is an oral contraceptive medication. The class known as birth control pills have been used for over three decades by a huge number of girls and women and are well established as to their safety. The Emergency Contraception use of birth control pills such as Levonorgestrel has the same method of action as normal cyclic oral contraception: they act by both reducing the likelihood of ovulation and, if ovulation occurs, making the uterine wall less likely to attach a zygote. Emergency contraception is most effective within the first 24 hours and can be effective for up to 72 hours. It is most useful in situations when another form of birth control has failed and in cases of rape. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists (www.acog.org), the National Institutes of Health (www.nih.gov), and the scientific community as a whole do not view reducing the likelihood of zygote implantation as an abortion.The group Concerned Women for America (www.cwfa.org) presented a case to the congress against allowing Plan B to be Over the Counter. In their statement, they repeatedly refer to the pill as causing an "abortion". They go out of their way to confuse Levonorgestrel with RU-486, the actual Abortion Pill which is dispensed at clinics only, not at commercial pharmacies. If Levonorgestrel causes an "abortion" then all birth control pills cause "abortions" constantly.

My epiphany was this: When one side of a debate is trying to confuse and misinform the public and the other side is doing all they can to inform and educate the public it is a big hint as to who is correct. Science is not a debate. Science is not dependant on popular opinion. The earth revolved around the sun just the same when the public opinion was 100 percent that it did not. The scientific community does not distort information for any reason, most of all for an ideology. I cannot imagine that those who do knowingly distort information achieve an honorable end through their deception. Those whom they dupe base their support on false pretenses. They are the opponents of education and the proponents of ignorance.

Written By: Jeffrey M. Harrison
Thank You for writing this!!!

Date Night Yay!!!

2005-12-30T16:10:00.000-05:00

Hello all! I'm soo excited because tonight Steffie and I are going on a double date with this guy named Dan that she had been talking to and his friend. I've talked to him on the phone and he seems really nice...and oh he's a muscian...soo hot... hehe. I hope he's cute ;-). The dates I've been on thus far post-break-up, all 9 of them have sort of sucked and I kind of need that one good date to bring me back into the game to finally prove to me that there's someone out there betterfor me than... sigh... the ex... my Mr. Big. To me my Mr. Big really was the best, so I think every new guy at least for awhile is going to sort of be standing in his shadow. While of course he is irreplacable, I am sure there will be other great guys that will come my way...after all Carrie found Aiden... Maybe Dan will be one of them.

Well I'm psyched to meet the newest guy in my life...

Until later...

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby you're the best.
I wasn't lookin'
But somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The spy who loved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe to night

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good.
The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin
'But just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby
Baby
Darlin' you're the best
Baby you're the best
Baby you're the best
~Nobody Does it Better-- Carly Simon

Two awesome Friends + X-mas $= Retail Therapy

2005-12-29T19:00:00.000-05:00

So after spending yesterday and today indulging in retail therapy with my Christmas money and two of my best friends, I am happy to report I am in a much better place with the whole Ex cancer relapse thing that's been bothering me lately. I would even go as far to say that I'm ok and dealing welling enough to be friend to him without my emotions interfering, soo WOO HOO!!! Too bad you have to spend money to do retail therapy though. It would be wonderful to be able to magicall have whatever you wanted and needed to make you feel better without having to drop any cash. HEHE... oh well... I can still dream can't I!/?

SO here's what I ended up with:

1 pair of sexy flared pleated Black Pants with a satin waist band from L.S Ayers

1 A turquoise Acrylic Sweater with pretty gold bead work from L.S. Ayers

1 Gray Corpse Bride T-shirt from L.S Ayers

1 Embroidered Sweatshirt jacket and Pants from Express

1 Purple Corset Shirt from New York and Company

Friends Season 10 from Wal-mart

Little Black Book- DVD from Wal-mart

2 Bottles of Professional Hair Dye that I mixed to create my own unique shade
in Double Intensity Auburn Red and Intense Red Auburn, Rubber Gloves, Deep Conditioning Treatment, an application bottle-- all from Sally's Beauty Supply

Maybelline Eyeshadow and Eyeliner from Target

Covergirl Color Stay Lipcolor from Target

Covergirl Blush from Target

Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway CD from Target

So yeah that's how I'm doing... much better thanks to shopping and friends!!!
Mal and Steffie... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Until later...

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach

PS. I just love the lyrics to this song...

Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who and what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
Rocks me, makes me meet myself

Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater one
But when I fell, I fell to my own resources
How can I carry the truth if I can't even crawl to you?

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves roll me over again
I've been everybody else
Now I want to be
Something closer to myself

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
'cause I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
I know I can love you, I know that I can
La di da di da di da

~ Closer to Myself- Kendall Payne

Shitastic hell of a time

2005-12-28T15:16:00.000-05:00

I hope that everyone had a happy holiday whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or just a relaxing winter break and the upcoming New Years. I don't like to be negative, but I'm having an absolutely terrible week. I found out that my ex who is also my friend still has cancer, and I'm really torn up about it. I don't think anything has ever really affected me so deeply in quite this way. I feel like my emotions are being tugged in so many different directions. It's almost as if learning this has caused some of the progress I've made in the healing process take a big jump backwards. Not completely backwards, but enough for me to be very sad again. I typically keep my deepest emotions about things to myself, but in the past that's not served me well. so I am going to unload it all here with this post in hopes that I can deal with this whole thing better, and not let it sink me further into being in pain and despair. There's not a whole hell of a lot more that I feel can be taken from me, and I want to preserve what I can.

For the first time since the whole Cancer thing began, I am actually terrified of losing him ... scared that he could die. True, it has always been a very realistic possibility, especially when he went through the whole transplant process, but I was always so sure that he would definitely get through that, because he is so strong and brave. Now, I guess I'm not so sure because the treatment path that lies ahead for him this time with this relapse is so uncertain. I am soo scared for him and feel inclined to support him and be there for him in every possible way that I can.

I hate to think negatively about any of this, but it seems that I've always sort of been in denial about it. When he went into the hospital the first time and when he found out he was sick... I for the most part with the exception of one time kept it all in... I never dealt with it... I never even acknowledged it as a real possibility that he might die, because I felt like I had to be strong for him, and that's the way I've always been forced to deal with family problems in the past. Anytime I ever spoke up about my feelings and fears about what was going on with my father, I was scolded and not allowed to deal with it. During the whole healing process from the break up and in therapy, I've realized that this is why I have a great deal of problems with emotional regulation of my feelings. Instead of expressing what I feel in a normal way, I keep it in and it inadvertently comes out in other ways such as picking petty fights, being insecure about things, or being overly criticial.

I'm scared of never being able talk to him again... never hearing his voice again...never having him make me laugh with his silly and sometimes stupid impressions...not being able to tease him... no more talk of crazy politics and religion with him... or talking about the latest movies. I'm so scared of losing this person who means so much to me, and who, even though we had a troubled relationship, has really changed my life for the better. I'm scared of losing someone that I still care about and love. My love is the kind that unconditional, kind that transcends everything. All I want for him is the best, whether we're ever anything more than friends doesn't matter. It goes to a much deeper level than that.

When we broke up, it felt like someone severed my heart and removed the majority of it. But because I can have him in my life as a friend, though I'm still left completely broken hearted and miserable, its something I can accept and it's much better than it not being physically possible to have him in my life at all. I guess to me losing him to Cancer would be like losing my other half. I don't really buy into the whole soulmates thing, but I do feel like I have a connection with him that I've never had and probably won't have quite the same connection with anyone else-- which is why I feel like even if we're never romantically involved again that he will always be a very dear friend to me.

I have hope that if anyone can get through this, that he can, but I still pray every single night that he's going to be ok, and that is what I want more than anything in the world. I would give anything and everything if it just meant that he would be ok.

Well that's my post... I'm not really ok, but now that I've shared my feelings, I think that I will be.

Until next time...

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach

When you get caught in the rain with nowhere to run. When you're distraught and in pain, without anyone.When you keep crying to be saved, but nobody comes, and you feel so far away. That you just can't find your way home.You can get there alone.It's okay.What you say is...

I can make it through the rain. I can stand up once again.On my own. And I know,That I'm strong enough to mend.And everytime I feel afraid,I hold tighter to my faith.And I live one more day,And I make it through the rain.

And if you keep falling down, don't you dare give in! You will arise, safe and sound. So keep pressing... On steadfastly,And you'll find what you need,To prevail.What you say is...

I can make it through the rain.I can stand up once again.On my own. And I know,That I'm strong enough to mend.And everytime I feel afraid,I hold tighter to my faith.And I live one more day,And I make it through the rain.

And when the wind blows,And shadows grow close,Don't be afraid.There's nothing you can't face.And should they tell you,You'll never pull through,Don't hesitate.Stand tall and say...

I can make it through the rain.I can stand up once again.On my own. And I know,That I'm strong enough to mend.And everytime I feel afraid,I hold tighter to my faith.And I live one more day,And I make it through the rain.

And I can make it through the rain,And stand up once again.And I'll live one more day,And I, I can make it through the rain.Oh yes, you can.You're gonna make it through the rain.

~Through the Rain-- Mariah Carey

WOO HOO... I'm DONE!!!

2005-12-16T12:57:00.000-05:00

So I just finished Finals and you all know what that means...

I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH UNDERGRAD!!!!
WOOO HOOO!!!!!!!!! GO ME!!! I DID IT AND WITH HONORS TOO!!!
YAY!!!!! I WILL MISS EVERYONE AT ISU!!! THANKS FOR A WONDERFUL 3.5 YEARS!!!

Scared by a little Pomp and Circumstance....

2005-12-16T02:30:00.000-05:00

So it officially the day before graduation, and I'm scared... completely terrified actually if you want me to be honest. I'm studying for my very last test and I am about to write my very last paper, and it's sad. As much as I ever complained about ISU, my years here have treated me well. I found my niche in the psychology department doing research, and I have learned a lot from my mentors Dr. C and Dr. Gore. Both of these profs are very dear friends to me and without their encouragement and helping me along the way I don't think I'd have the courage to eventually go on to grad school... because for so long I didn't think I was good enough to be accepted.

I'm going to miss all the wonderful friends I've made at ISU... everyone. My roomies and best friends in the world Rabo and Nicole... I'll miss you the most. To those of you I was close to during College, but I did not go to school with... I'll you are all wonderful as well, and I treasure my memories with all of you as well (especially the one person who had a significant role in my life and changed it for the better...my first love and best friend)

I'll never forget:

-the late night IHOP runs

- Practically living at Fuzzy Wallpaper house and the parties

-"Illegal" parties in the Quad and accidentally leaving the Everclear out for the RAs and parents, movie nights instead of studying for that test

- taking my address book and drunk dialing with Missy... "hey Nate's parents-- Can Nick make us Beer?"

- The night of the Car, Security, and the Country Club

-the hate couch, the semester of the rednecks, and "closet pisser"

-Nintendo Parties and skipping class to have them

- the many Gay Nates-- how many were we up to in fish and other animals

-illegal cats in the dorm and my love kitty... Ninja that died :-(

- The night of Meijer, talking all night, the B-movie, and meeting the guy who would come to be oh so special to me and who I would fall totally head over feet in love with, and the 3.5 years of my life, that though they were tumultous were wonderful and taught me so much about life and love

- you know who you are, I loved everything i shared with you and no matter what you'll alway have a special place in my heart: Sky Concert, Thai, cooking, Indie movies, deep conversations til 3am about Politics, Religion, and other fun things, family gatherings, turning 21 and celebrating together, campaigning for something we believed in, being there for each other during the tough times, the love, the intimacy, and so much more... it all meant so much :"( and :-) at the same time

- Chi-town: the Harrisons... so wonderful, China Town Anniversary, Kow Kow, Lou's, my first experience with Jewish Holidays, Northwestern Hospital :"(-- I'm glad that I was able to be there, good times with the Deerfield Gang, and the great friends I made -- KJ and Craig

-stealing said anti-liberal political signs, repainting them, and getting mention in the school paper

- writing soft core porn together , then laughing as we turned it in for a serious class, and laughing even harder when the professor loved it and gave me an A.

- My formal Fan-Fiction Education

- The porn project... hehe "Hello I'm Pete the Porno Puppet and I'm here today to talk to you about Pornography!"

- Crazy adventures with Lauren and experimentation with illegal plants... "its like chill" *makes silly wave hand motion, then laughs*

- My Butler buddies and all the good times, especially Freshman year

- stress screaming into the night at 3 am during study weeks during intensive quiet hours

-Tactile therapy:Pumpkin seeds, making it rain chips, smashing cafeteria glasses etc

- Felicity's party -- my first party post break-up and the night where I kissed one of my gay Nate, a guy friend I sort of always thought was cute, and my secret lesbian lover Sam

-the night Gay Nate showed me what porn was on Rabo's computer and then the 6 hours we panicked while trying to remove the viruses.

- The night I became Harry Potter and Harry had his first visit from a very sexy OBGYN and BOB

- The BCM Progessive Dinner, Turkey Run Canoe Trips, and the St. Joes Parties spent playing DDR and Scrabble with a Nun... she did DDR pretty well...hehe

- West Wing Marathons... oh Josh, Sam, and a Liberal Government... its nice to live in a fantasy every once in awhile

- The Kiddnapping of Baby Jesus

-De- Bushing Hendricks and Marion Counties

-Labor Day with Steffie, Wifey, BP, DePauw

-Fun times and Insanity with Mal and Steffie

- Interning at IU with Jess and Making a wonderful friend... "hey lets go eat a contrast"

-Swimming in Sugar Creek with Jessi in Nov, Riding back in our underwear, our Fish and Butler boys, Being supportive break-up buddies

-my friend Tyler :"( ... RIP

-Friends, Sex and the City, Coupling, Greg the Bunny, and the other shows and movies that became shared favorites

-Nicolisms on men, life, sex, and Christian Rockers

- Window painting and the impressionist ode to porn

- The Missoura Trip-" Road Head", Dickey Bubs, the Pizza Hut Wedding

-Christy's :-): Chicken Little, the kitty, DDR, party... good times

- Sink the Biz---OY EVIL NIGHT... NEVER AGAIN

- Hair dying parties

- The wondeful support of my all of my friends during what has been one of the most difficult times in my life. You all stuck by my and were there for me even when it was hard for you to be. You were supportive and encouraging when I decided to go on meds, and you never gave up on me or lost hope that things would get better even when I did. THANK YOU ALL... A THOUSAND TIMES OVER.... I love you all and will do the same if you are ever in need of a friend.

OK.... so that's enough procrastination. I'm having a difficult time with all this because I'm not a big fan of change... but that's life. While I'm still scared, I think in the end everything will be alright... after all isn't it always.

Until Later...

Best Wishes,

~<3> Rach :-)

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 35
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her plan?

I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

~Vitamin C- Friends Forever

Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember

Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own I
'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll rememberInside

I learned to let go of the illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember
No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember

~Madonna-- I'll Remember

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory I've lost all sense of time and tomorrow can never be
Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never forget

There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye

I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be with you

~S Club 7-- Never Had a Dream Come True

Withdrawal...OY

2005-12-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

So yeah I am offically dealing with withdrawal from Paxil and it sucks. When I got up today around 9 am after talking to a friend on the phone for awhile I got to spend an hour in the bathroom vomiting. I still feel horribly ill and to make matters worse not being on the Paxil has caused depression and anxiety. Its by far worse than what it was when I went on the meds for mild symptoms to begin with. Apparently withdrawal from SSRI's is very common. Personally, I think that if withdrawal is a result of stopping a med then perhaps the FDA needs to re-examine how safe the substance really is. Withdrawal symptoms are a sign of addiction, and personally I think that it is dangerous to treat depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders with substances that have addictive properties and will cause a considerable amount of problems when you discontinue them. The goal with anti-depressants is to stabilize or normalize a chemical inbalance to reduce depression and other problems the chemical inbalance may be causing. Ideally, the goal is to be able to get the patient to a point where they no longer need the medication-- drugs such as Paxil make this goddamn near impossible because the withdrawal from them, even when you are following a tappering program like I am, is horrendous. It is possible to create a drug that will help regulate serotonin levels that does not cause as many issues. Shit herbal remedies such as St. John's Wort, while are not as effective, don't cause any substantial problems. If I were a Pharmacist and working for Lily or Pfizer, I would be doing extensive research to develop better psychoactive drugs that cause less problems, because this is fucking ridiculous. Too bad I hate chemistry (Note I can do Chem) because if I didn't I would really consider becoming a Psychopharmocologist who specializes in research and development.

Hey you friends of mine in Pharmacy School... yeah you guys... if any of you ever consider research and development think about working in this area... research and development is far more noble than working retail-- you actually have an opportunity to develop drugs that save lives as well as improve upon what is already out there.

Ok... so I'm going to go now... unfortunately the Toliet is calling my name again!!!

Until later...

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach

I'm everyone else's Xanex Fairy... But where the hell is mine-- A Down Sort of Day

2005-12-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

I' m not sure if its because I am weaning off my meds (paxil), or if its because of the scary shit that happened to me the other day, or the not so fun "Slice of Life" encounter today, or the fact that I haven't gotten to speak to the only person I really want to talk to about what is going on (which isn't that big of a deal) but I'm feeling really down today. Its this odd feeling like there is a hole for whatever reason, and I just want to cry, and I feel this overwhelming sense that something is wrong, but I don't know what it is. I have felt like this on and off all semester because of various things I've been dealing with, but the past month or so things had really turned around, and I was at least finally able to get over the break-up to a point where it was no longer tormenting me.

I'm going to give you all a disclaimer right now. Because I am very upset, I am going to be absolutely candid and honest about what I'm going through and have been going through on and off these past couple of months. If you don't like what you're reading... then I suggest closing the window... because writing this is really cathartic and for my benefit and nobody else's. I only give a disclaimer because I realize that a lot more people read this than I thought, and I think fair warning would be nice in this instance. In all honesty I don't care if anyone reads this or not... this is my outlet, and where I tend to go when I can't deal.

I feel like going to sleep for a couple of years or just not waking up... except that if I'm honest with myself I really love life and don't really want to not wake up. However, I can help really feeling that way sometimes. Getting knocked unconscious and go into a coma for awhile also sounds very appealing... you know how the story goes... I get a severe blow to the head and lay somewhere in a hospital dead to the world for awhile maybe even years, and then magically I wake up and come out completely fine and unharmed, but not remembering anything and being happy as a result of all the horrible memories I've lost. Its like a quick fix to everything that I feel is wrong with me and my life, but its really not healthy or the fix I'm looking for in reality. I wouldn't be opposed to high doses of Xanex at this point though... kidding...after my terrible experience with the side effects of Paxil (severe Insomnia and Anorexia-- not being able to eat), psychoactive drugs freak me out. I am still the Xanex Fairy though... so umm what do I usually say after that... oh yeah-- WOO FUCKING HOO!!!

I stopped going to my counselor, because when I went to see her after I saw the psychiatrist and told her that he said I had mild depression and anxiety, she was like oh... I don't see that at all and didn't agree with him. My roomies had been saying that for awhile, and the counselor didn't see it... JESUS FUCKING CHRIST... (sorry lord), but you'd think someone with a Mental Health Counselor's License would be more competent than that... OY. What worse is that when I told her that the meds I'd been put on were helping me, she went on a rant about how bad Paxil is (which after my experience I agree), and really scared me about taking it. Regardless of whether or not that is true, you never, I mean never, tell a patient stuff like that. I ended up doing some research and talking to a doctor to make myself feel better about talking it. However, because the 10 mg worked so damn well, I never ever jumped up to my 20mg dose because I was scared of what might happen if I did.

The sores I've gotten on my head from stress seemed to have multiplied over night, and because I'm stressed I pick at them and rip them out until I bleed and it hurts to touch that area of my head even slightly. When my roomies and I were watching Chamber of Secrets, and talking about the blood writing on the wall, I made a joke that I could've done that... their response was concerned worried looks... so yeah... I probably should see a doctor about the head thing.

I'm at the point where I feel sick to my stomach and can't eat again. On one occasion to reduce stress, I tried the whole scratching thing, and left marks, but decided to never do that again, because I didn't want to start down that path of self-destructive behavior. There's been a few times though, where I have thought about it since then.

I feel alone and like there is no one that I can talk to who understand. A couple of times I've even resorted to attempting to call my ex, who was for the longest time my best friend. I've accepted long ago that we weren't right for each other, and I don't want the relationship back, but not being able to talk to him about this really made me realize how much I miss having him as a friend and a part of my life. I sort of feel like perhaps I spoke too soon when I said I didn't know if I could ever be his friend. Right now though... that is the very least of my problems and I am not about to open that can of worms and get upset about that... I can't... I just can't. If we're ever meant to be friends it will happen. I refuse to try to force anything or even really allow myself to fall back on him for support, because that can be such a dangerous and confusing path for everyone involved. I've worked soo hard to get to a place where I am ok with how things are in that regard. Besides I am a big girl and strong enough to cope on my own. I don't really need anyone, but I do however, really wish, I still had him as my friend, and I am very sad that I don't at the moment :"(.

Part of the reason I feel so alone is because I've learned that someone I thought was my friend really is not as good of a friend as I thought at all. Against my will I was played a message she left for the person who I had to file the harassment charges against, claiming she loved him and understood where he came from and only wanted to go to the police because she was scared at the time. She also went on to say that she really took his side over mine, and that she respected him more than me, along with a bunch of really terrible things she had to say about me. She talked about how she supposedly tried to talk me out of filing charges etc, which is not true at all. She was one of the main people that urged me to go to the police, when I really didn't want to because I didn't want to make the situation very messy. I never went to the police with the intention of filing charges, but I ended up filing them because given the situation, that is what they strongly recommended. Now granted this was a drunken phone call, I'm not sure how much of that I should take to heart. I know that this person cares about me and she has always been a very supportive and good friend in the past, but nonetheless it still pissed me off and hurt my feelings.

I am so sick of having to justify or apologize for doing what I did. Not a day has gone by where I haven't felt horrible and like the entire situation was all my fault... that I could've prevented it. This guy even screamed at me and told me the way he was behaving was all my fault. The thing is its not all my fault. Yeah, I was oblivious to the situation for a long time, and I took the wrong approach in handling it initially, but there was really nothing I could've done to prevent it... the insanity and danger level of the situation escalated too much, and in the end I had to do what was in my best interest. It wasn't selfish, it was the smart thing to do, and it is what someone whom I was very close to said to do from the getgo... I really hate myself for not following that advice because I feel that if I had, then perhaps the situation wouldn't be what it is now.

I'm really embarrassed that this is what is going on with me, and that I am having so many problems... its like there just more proof that I am defective as a person. Please don't judge me because of any of this. Even though its so bad now... I am confident that this too shall pass and in the end I will be a stronger person for having gotten through. I really believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger... look at those who have gone through the worst of cancer treatment, women from abusive relationships, people who've battled an eating disorder, dealt with depression... those who's lost loved ones... the list of traumas could go on... all these people who've endured these things are absolutely remarkable and are so strong for not giving in and giving up on life. I am not about to give up-- no chance in hell. I do wish things would get better soon though... I hate being a mess and a shell of my former self.

Anyways... I umm just sort of don't know what to do, writing made me feel a little better. I would write more, but I have to get headed to class so my post stops here.

Until next time...

Best Wishes,
~<3> Rach :"(

The world's on fire its more then I can handle
I'll tap into the water try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table
Bring what I am able

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I'll try to hold it in
Yeah I'll try to hold it in

I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change what's coming
Stay close to me while the sky's falling
I don't wanna be left alone
Don't wanna be alone

Hearts break hearts mend love still hurts
Visions clash planes crash still there's talk of saving souls still cold's closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some
~ Sarah Mc Laughlin-- World on Fire

Without You

2005-12-05T23:45:00.000-05:00

So the impossible finally happened... I woke up today smiling ( way before noon too) and realized that I am ok and actually happy for a change. More importantly, I noticed that I am no longer upset by the break up shit, because that is exactly what it is-- Shit and what's great its that it's over and I no longer have the break-up shit tormenting me. That may not seem like such a big deal to most of you, but for me its huge because for the past 6 or 7 months I've been miserable from everything that I've experienced in my personal life and then the break-up which was devastating at the time really pushed me over the edge. I'm not going to talk about it because that's not the point with this post. The point is that I woke up feeling absolutely wonderful and realized I've had a breakthrough :-).

Here's a song that popped up randomly on my Winamp playlist today that I have offically declared my current theme song. It's called "Without you" and its from the musical My Fair Lady.

Without You

What a fool I was, what dominated fool
To think that you were the earth and the sky
What a fool I was
What an elevated fool
What a mutton-headed dote was I!
No, my reverberated friend,you are not the beginning and the end.

There'll be spring every year without you.
England still will be here without you.
There'll be fruit on the tree.
And a shore by the sea.
There'll be crumpets and tea without you.

Art and music will thrive without you.
Somehow Keats will survive without you.
And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain
Even that will remain without you.
I can do without you.

You, dear friend, who taught so well,
You can go to Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire.
They can still rule with land without you.
Windsor Castle will stand without you.
And without much ado we can all muddle through without you.

Without you pulling it the tide comes in
Without your twirling it the Earth can spin
Without your pulling it, the tide comes in
Without your twirling it, the earth can spin
Without your pushing them, the clouds roll by
If they can do without you, ducky, so can I
I shall not feel alone without you
I can stand on my own without you
So go back in your shell I can do bloody well
Without You!

If you can't tell I'm feeling very liberated. (Note this post is not meant as a slight or put down to anyone) OK that's my post for today... I was just taking a study break... Check back soon for a post on the very yummy new love of my life... Mr. Darcy... sigh... hehe :-).

Until Next time..

Best Wishes <3
~Rach